facts-i-just-made-up:

The longest recorded snake ever recorded was a green snake only one centimeter wide at its thickest. It’s body however was 43 feet long.

Seen here coiled loosely into a pile, the specimen, named “Warren Peace" by the herpetologists who take care of the specimen, was discovered under the bed one 6 year old Betty Keller of San Francisco, Georgia. Said her mother, “Betty told us there was a snake under the bed. We thought we’d take a look and then tell her it was her imagination but there was the little head sticking out. It looked harmless so I just pulled it out and it kept coming and coming like handkerchiefs from a clown’s mouth. Eventually we had to start winding it around my stripper pole which I use only for exercise and even then it was a huge ordeal.“

Warren now resides at the Frisco, GA Zoo where he has his own aquarium 10X30ft in size, which the serpent often sprawls across completely. He eats goldfish, about 10 a day which, through the use of colored dyes, have been found to take almost 15 weeks to make it through the elongated digestive system.

Hundreds of tourists come from every state every day to visit the magnificent beast, but one little lady who won’t be visiting is his discoverer Betty Keller, who remains committed to the nearby Laplish Asylum For The Critically Traumatized. “This girl may never recover,” said Doctor Mellman in violation of doctor patient confidentiality, “She freaks out every time they serve spaghetti at the cafeteria.“